Who's In Your Family?

We often consider the strength of a person’s character in terms of his or her relationship to his or her family.  Someone with strong family values, who is close to his or her family, is perceived to have admirable qualities.  But we all face diverse experiences, and our definitions of family are altered by the style of our upbringings.  A year and a half ago, I visited India for the first time with a stepbrother from my father’s side of the family. My father was from the Punjab. I had reunited with this brother only three years earlier and he just happens to be 25 years older than I.  His adult children had connected with me via Facebook, opening up a whole new side of my family.

My half brother graciously hosted me in New Delhi for two weeks.  I struggled with accepting his brotherly love and care, as it was quite foreign to me, but I appreciated it nonetheless. One day, as we were on our way to visit someone, I asked him who we were visiting, and he told me that we were going to see “our cousin.”  “Not really our cousin,” I thought aloud.  But he informed me that we were indeed going to see my cousin – her father had been my uncle!  The visit with my cousin was perfectly delightful, but I felt a slight detachment from this side of my family – this side of myself.  These were members of my family, because we were linked by blood.  But they were not the family I had grown up with, and they had not contributed as much to my growth and development.

My mum, sister, grandparents, my godparents and my best friend Kate and her family have been with me through thick and thin.  I learned my most important values from them, and they shaped the person I became.  The love I received from these people created my foundation.  The closeness I feel to them shapes my definition of my family – even though I am not related to my godparents or to Kate and her family by blood.  There is no question I think of them as family.

My intern is fond of the idea that friends are the family we choose.  We are shaped by love, not necessarily blood, though of course there is great importance in biological family as well.  Unfortunately, in some cases biological families are not `always the best people for us.  Those who provide us the love and support we need through many different times become a different sort of family.  This family’s love gives us strength to take responsibility for ourselves and grow forward with confidence.  Ultimately, our family is whomever we decide it is. 

Valentine's Day and Our Permission to Love

I was never a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  I would host fabulous anti-Valentine’s Day parties with black hearts hanging upside down from the ceiling, and shame on the person who chose to wear red or pink.  I served margaritas instead of champagne. They were not dreary singles’ parties – in fact, the guest lists included couples who appreciated my anti-establishment mentality. 

Cynicism and soppiness of the fourteenth day of February aside, I’ve recently been pondering the utility of Valentine’s Day for different people.  It’s not only singles who dread Valentine’s Day – some couples feel overly pressured by it as well.  Yet certain people do not only love the holiday, they need it.  Valentine’s Day provides for some a necessary outlet to express love and gratitude in a structured manner.

Some of us are more comfortable expressing our love for those around us every day.  But for those of us who are not, Valentine’s Day provides a defined means of expression.  Some may scoff at the contrived nature of overpriced boxes of chocolates, giant bouquets of roses, fancy watches or elegant 3-course meals.  But there is comfort in routines like this, and these offerings can be equally expressive of appreciation and love as more unconventional gifts.  Though means may differ, the love is equally legitimate.

As someone who formerly was none too enamoured with Valentine’s Day, I am sympathetic to some of the issues readers may have with the holiday.  But I recently came to the realization that our feelings towards Valentine’s Day have nothing to do with the materialist aspects or with the pressures of being either single or in a partnership on this day.  Our feelings fall within the realm of our control, and we must take the personal responsibility that comes along with controlling how we feel.  We cannot change the systemic nature of Valentine’s Day, but we can control how we approach the events of the day and how we treat others. 

Love occupies numerous dimensions – it can be shown not just to partners, but also to co-workers, neighbours, friends, family and humankind.  But sharing love requires giving ourselves permission to do so.  There are difficulties in opening oneself up to others and feeling secure with such strong emotions.  The fears and vulnerabilities attached to expressions of love prevent many of us from loving fully during the year.  Valentine’s Day thus serves as a safe haven where such expressions are not only encouraged, but expected.  Valentine’s Day facilitates our displays of commitment, care, support, and appreciation.

I know I will feel more fulfilled just showing love to others on the day, regardless of my connection to them.  Humanity is so often caught up in the intricacies of personal lives that we often forget that we are in this together.  A little positive energy can enhance the experiences of so many people, and it often takes little more than a polite “how are you?” and a smile to change the course of a day.  This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to giving yourself permission to appreciate and show love for ALL those you care about.

Contributor: Denise Ge