Exercise: Putting YourSelf First

Think of a few times when you put other people’s needs before your own or have not done what was in your best interest because you thought something or someone else mattered more than you. Now identify what would have been in your best interest and why. Last, assess whether your actions have truly hurt anyone. 

For instance: Your friend likes this guy and has dragged you to five events this month alone to see him. He has no interest in her, and you’re starting to get embarrassed, but you want to support your friend and you want her to like you. Now she wants you to go to another party. It’s coming up to finals time and you have exams in some of your most difficult subjects. You really should study because you really need to get top grades so you can keep your scholarship. Your usual self, the one that’s telling you that you don’t matter as much as she does, would go to the party. If you did, you would essentially be saying to yourself and others and that you felt your friend’s needs were more important more than yours. This is where the cycle of disrespecting yourself starts, and in doing so, you’re also giving others permission to disrespect you. In reality, your friend has other people to go with (and even if she doesn’t, that’s not your responsibility), and she’s actually just bullying you. It’s up to you to be responsible for how your life turns out, and that exam could be a huge part of that! 

So, make an inventory of when you put others’ needs first when you probably should have prioritised your own. With just a little insight into when you’re putting others’ worth relative to your own and with some idea about when you can better support yourself, you’ll be able to think and, hopefully, recognise that you matter. You are going to have to make a conscious effort at first. Some frustrations may surface as you realise when you’ve been giving your personal power away, but hold hard and don’t get upset, as it’s just not worth it.

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life", by Priya Rana Kapoor available on www.GYSPermission.com, Amazon and local retailers.

Don't Compare Your Insides with Everyone Else's Outsides

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life" by Priya Rana Kapoor
Chapter Ten : Give YourSelf Permission to Have Healthy Relationships.

Often, we look at the people around us and think that they have it better than we do or that they've been given more advantages in the form of privileges and luxuries than we have. We might have feelings of envy, which can be damaging, undermining, and insidious and can only function to make us feel bad about ourselves in the long run.

When my former husband and I first met, he gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received; I have never forgotten it, and I am often grateful to him for his wise words.

"Priya, " he said, "don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides. "

I think that we've all found ourselves comparing what we know about our lives to what we think is going on with the lives of others. Often we look at their outsides and assume everything is great without considering that there just might be a whole other layer of thoughts, insecurities, hopes, fears, shortcomings, health issues, pain, abuse, wishes, or desires that they don't share with everyone else. When we compare ourselves to all of their glitz, it's easy to see ourselves as coming up short. We look at celebrities or business tycoons, school friends or relatives and think that they've achieved so much more than we have.

"She has got it all, " we think. "She must be so happy!"

But what's really happening?

I suspect most people looking from the outside would have considered my family circumstances pretty much perfect, but, as I've already shared, the apparent fairy tale was quite inconsistent with the chaos we experienced behind closed doors. I rather begrudgingly felt that there were times when people thought, "Oh, the Kapoors have it all! Mum is young and glamorous; Dad is so sophisticated and handsome. Their children are lucky to be growing up in such a cosmopolitan, exciting environment!" In some respects we did have an adventurous life, but it was difficult.

Maybe your successful boss at work does sit in his fancy corner office all day long and go home at the end of a productive working day to his good-looking, happy wife and children, but perhaps he really wants to be doing something else entirely. Maybe he has high blood pressure from working long hours, constant fights with his wife, and exhausting kids who run riot all evening. Who really knows?

It's important that we see that we can only truly understand ourselves and that we need to focus on bettering our own lives rather than fixating on others'. With this understanding comes the recognition that, ultimately, we can only learn how to be really happy when we learn how to take personal responsibility for how we live and what we have control over.

The simple fact is that we just do not know what is going on in most other people's lives. The only person you will ever know completely, inside and out, is yourself.



For more information please visit www.GYSPermission.com

Who's In Your Family?

We often consider the strength of a person’s character in terms of his or her relationship to his or her family.  Someone with strong family values, who is close to his or her family, is perceived to have admirable qualities.  But we all face diverse experiences, and our definitions of family are altered by the style of our upbringings.  A year and a half ago, I visited India for the first time with a stepbrother from my father’s side of the family. My father was from the Punjab. I had reunited with this brother only three years earlier and he just happens to be 25 years older than I.  His adult children had connected with me via Facebook, opening up a whole new side of my family.

My half brother graciously hosted me in New Delhi for two weeks.  I struggled with accepting his brotherly love and care, as it was quite foreign to me, but I appreciated it nonetheless. One day, as we were on our way to visit someone, I asked him who we were visiting, and he told me that we were going to see “our cousin.”  “Not really our cousin,” I thought aloud.  But he informed me that we were indeed going to see my cousin – her father had been my uncle!  The visit with my cousin was perfectly delightful, but I felt a slight detachment from this side of my family – this side of myself.  These were members of my family, because we were linked by blood.  But they were not the family I had grown up with, and they had not contributed as much to my growth and development.

My mum, sister, grandparents, my godparents and my best friend Kate and her family have been with me through thick and thin.  I learned my most important values from them, and they shaped the person I became.  The love I received from these people created my foundation.  The closeness I feel to them shapes my definition of my family – even though I am not related to my godparents or to Kate and her family by blood.  There is no question I think of them as family.

My intern is fond of the idea that friends are the family we choose.  We are shaped by love, not necessarily blood, though of course there is great importance in biological family as well.  Unfortunately, in some cases biological families are not `always the best people for us.  Those who provide us the love and support we need through many different times become a different sort of family.  This family’s love gives us strength to take responsibility for ourselves and grow forward with confidence.  Ultimately, our family is whomever we decide it is. 

Valentine's Day and Our Permission to Love

I was never a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  I would host fabulous anti-Valentine’s Day parties with black hearts hanging upside down from the ceiling, and shame on the person who chose to wear red or pink.  I served margaritas instead of champagne. They were not dreary singles’ parties – in fact, the guest lists included couples who appreciated my anti-establishment mentality. 

Cynicism and soppiness of the fourteenth day of February aside, I’ve recently been pondering the utility of Valentine’s Day for different people.  It’s not only singles who dread Valentine’s Day – some couples feel overly pressured by it as well.  Yet certain people do not only love the holiday, they need it.  Valentine’s Day provides for some a necessary outlet to express love and gratitude in a structured manner.

Some of us are more comfortable expressing our love for those around us every day.  But for those of us who are not, Valentine’s Day provides a defined means of expression.  Some may scoff at the contrived nature of overpriced boxes of chocolates, giant bouquets of roses, fancy watches or elegant 3-course meals.  But there is comfort in routines like this, and these offerings can be equally expressive of appreciation and love as more unconventional gifts.  Though means may differ, the love is equally legitimate.

As someone who formerly was none too enamoured with Valentine’s Day, I am sympathetic to some of the issues readers may have with the holiday.  But I recently came to the realization that our feelings towards Valentine’s Day have nothing to do with the materialist aspects or with the pressures of being either single or in a partnership on this day.  Our feelings fall within the realm of our control, and we must take the personal responsibility that comes along with controlling how we feel.  We cannot change the systemic nature of Valentine’s Day, but we can control how we approach the events of the day and how we treat others. 

Love occupies numerous dimensions – it can be shown not just to partners, but also to co-workers, neighbours, friends, family and humankind.  But sharing love requires giving ourselves permission to do so.  There are difficulties in opening oneself up to others and feeling secure with such strong emotions.  The fears and vulnerabilities attached to expressions of love prevent many of us from loving fully during the year.  Valentine’s Day thus serves as a safe haven where such expressions are not only encouraged, but expected.  Valentine’s Day facilitates our displays of commitment, care, support, and appreciation.

I know I will feel more fulfilled just showing love to others on the day, regardless of my connection to them.  Humanity is so often caught up in the intricacies of personal lives that we often forget that we are in this together.  A little positive energy can enhance the experiences of so many people, and it often takes little more than a polite “how are you?” and a smile to change the course of a day.  This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to giving yourself permission to appreciate and show love for ALL those you care about.

Contributor: Denise Ge

Engagement, Sans Agenda

In the dictionary, there are many meanings of the words “engagement” or “to engage.” These can range from a marriage proposal, to entering into a conflict, or a contract between two parties. But the description relevant to this discussion is that of enjoying and being fully vested in communication with another.

In this busy and competitive day and age, I seem to go from one networking event to another where I find myself (and the people I meet) sussing each other out for potential work opportunities or contacts. These events are always so hurried.

Last week, I went to a little gathering with four other people affiliated with a U.S.-based service group. Though we shared the same interest in serving our communities, we had not met each other previously. We came from different backgrounds and age groups. Whilst at first I worried we may not have much to talk about, I found myself completely engaged in the conversation and stories. We were not sizing each other up for work, or trying to pigeonhole each other. Instead, we simply listened and conversed. Discussions ranged from the IRA campaign in London and the experience of living through that time; to moving from Washington State to Rome to Nairobi; to the subtleties of living in Africa. What I noticed the most was how calm, comfortable and engaged I felt. It was so nice to just be.

I was reminded of a trip I took to India a year ago. On passing through Old Delhi and I saw a group of men, who clearly lived on the streets, sitting on the side of the road and engaging in conversation. Though their situation was much more destitute we could ever imagine, the smiles on their faces reflected the pure joy they seemed to receive from each other. I remember being amazed by their happiness and engagement in that present moment.

This all has made me consider the notion that some of us forget to relish the company of others, sans agenda. Technological advances have transformed our mode of communication into rapid snippets, just to stay ahead, and sometime I feel we can be deprived of the beauty of long conversations and time spent enjoying each other’s company.

I am not saying that we should turn back the clock of time. I only hope that we consider just being with new friends, engaging in conversations, and not feeling guilty about doing so! It’s not a waste of time – I would hasten to say that it only enhances our ability to listen to and appreciate others. It gives us the space to step back, enjoy and maybe see new experiences available to us all.

I’d love to hear your takes on this idea. When was the last time you simply engaged with others, sans agenda?