Celebrate Your Achievements

Many people just don’t take the time to stop and acknowledge what they have achieved. It could be a very small accomplishment or a huge deal, but if we don’t stop and take stock of it, we’re essentially telling ourselves that what we’ve done doesn’t matter, that it’s not worthy of acknowledgement or celebration.

 Now, I’m not talking balloons and cake (well, not always) but some sort of private or personal acknowledgement. Some people buy themselves a little trinket or that fancy vacuum they’ve been coveting. Others get a massage or have that very special glass of champagne with friends or co-workers.

The focus here is to take the time to praise yourself. When the mind and body get that positive reinforcement, they’ll like it and will want more. You’ll find it will become easier to do whatever it is you’ve set your mind to because you’re kind to yourself when you reach your goals or achievements.

www.GYSPermission.com/coaching

Jedi Mind Tricks

Jedi Mind Tricks

Star Wars is probably one of my favourite films, and when working on intention, I often suggest that my clients use Jedi mind tricks. This is in reference to the scene in the film when the Stormtroopers are looking for two specific droids and Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Jedi Knight, is able to deflect them simply by using the Jedi mind tricks and saying with great conviction and influence, “These are not the droids you are looking for.” Through his sureness alone, he’s able to convince the Stormtroopers that it’s true, that those are not the droids they were looking for, when in fact, they were.

Holding on to your intention throughout both setting goals and taking action is very important. To have intention for a particular conversation or negotiation, for instance, is to be laser focused on the desired outcome. If you’re clear on that, you’ll be better able to recognize any and all available opportunities to achieve it.

When you’re going into a situation that you’re unsure of or nervous about, you can apply a Jedi mind trick and draw confidence from your intention. I’ve learned that when I focus on positive outcomes and hold the intention for them, good things happen much more often.

Carlos: A Story of the Jedi Mind Trick in Action

As an example, one of my clients, Carlos, was about to buy a house but felt that the seller needed to lower the price by £50K (c.$80K) to reflect remedial works that needed to be carried out. He was anxious about the meeting that had been arranged, and we discussed it in preparation. I asked him what his intention for the meeting was.

“Well, to get a lower price,” he said.

“Why does the house warrant a lower price?” I asked.

He explained about all the work the house needed and how he felt that justified an appropriate price reduction.

“Okay,” I said. “You know what you want and why. Exactly what is the intention for this meeting?”

“To get the seller to approve a £50K reduction in the cost of the property because I’m going to have to spend that on things that should have already been done.”

“Are you comfortable that that figure is appropriate?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Right, then,” I said. “So you know what you want to do with this conversation. Keep that intention at the forefront of your mind. Your intention is ‘I want this person to take off £50K’. Go and look the seller in the eye and think, ‘I want to pay £50K less’, and actually hold the full price you want to pay in your mind.”

Carlos got the discount, bought the house, did a year’s worth of renovations, and moved in. 

The FORCE was strong in that one! 

Give YourSelf Permission to Have FUN

Do you sometimes think, “Well, I just don’t have the time to have fun”, “I don’t want to seem silly or frivolous,” or “Having fun makes no money”?

If so, what happens then? Do you have fun anyhow? Or negate that side of you?

Now consider how you feel after having had a little fun, a good laugh, or a wild dance? How do your mind and body feel at this point? I suspect you might feel lighter, calmer, and maybe even freer.

Many people feel that having fun is a waste of time or that they shouldn’t be taking the time out. In the conventional workplace, having fun is seen as goofing off or unproductive. Increasingly, however, many of the new companies, especially technology companies like Google and Yahoo! have come to see that it’s good to encourage play and, in fact, it increases productivity.

I cannot tell you how many clients look at me blankly when I ask them what they do for fun. They have no idea, and when pressed to come up with something, they squirm in their seats and often show real resistance to giving themselves permission to even think of doing something for themselves. This is when I ask them to tell me what they used to do for fun when they were younger, less busy and had fewer responsibilities. Finally, they remember something, a flicker of recognition crosses their faces and they visibly relax.

Exercise: Fun

What did you use to do that made you happy? Something that was a lot of fun? Is there an element of whatever it was that you could take and blend with your current lifestyle? What would the activity look like now? What actions would you need to take to make this fun activity happen?

So, are you willing to give fun a go and not feel guilty about it? Many find they’re far more productive at home and work after having had a little fun and are more engaged with those around them. So, why not go out and make fun be your priority this holiday season?

Exercise: Putting YourSelf First

Think of a few times when you put other people’s needs before your own or have not done what was in your best interest because you thought something or someone else mattered more than you. Now identify what would have been in your best interest and why. Last, assess whether your actions have truly hurt anyone. 

For instance: Your friend likes this guy and has dragged you to five events this month alone to see him. He has no interest in her, and you’re starting to get embarrassed, but you want to support your friend and you want her to like you. Now she wants you to go to another party. It’s coming up to finals time and you have exams in some of your most difficult subjects. You really should study because you really need to get top grades so you can keep your scholarship. Your usual self, the one that’s telling you that you don’t matter as much as she does, would go to the party. If you did, you would essentially be saying to yourself and others and that you felt your friend’s needs were more important more than yours. This is where the cycle of disrespecting yourself starts, and in doing so, you’re also giving others permission to disrespect you. In reality, your friend has other people to go with (and even if she doesn’t, that’s not your responsibility), and she’s actually just bullying you. It’s up to you to be responsible for how your life turns out, and that exam could be a huge part of that! 

So, make an inventory of when you put others’ needs first when you probably should have prioritised your own. With just a little insight into when you’re putting others’ worth relative to your own and with some idea about when you can better support yourself, you’ll be able to think and, hopefully, recognise that you matter. You are going to have to make a conscious effort at first. Some frustrations may surface as you realise when you’ve been giving your personal power away, but hold hard and don’t get upset, as it’s just not worth it.

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life", by Priya Rana Kapoor available on www.GYSPermission.com, Amazon and local retailers.

'Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life' by Priya Rana Kapoor, Author Video

For more information visit www.GYSPermission.com

Why it is Not Selfish to Take Care of Yourself First

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life" by Priya Rana Kapoor
Chapter Three: The Permission Journey

We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. —Carlos Castaneda

The ultimate purpose of this book is to give you the space, desire, and tools to give yourself permission to live your life.

Giving yourself permission means allowing yourself to think and do what you think is best for yourself. People consistently balk at this comment. Many of my clients say, “I can’t just think of myself; I have my children to worry about,” or “It’s not all about me; my parents would be so disappointed.” They often worry that they’ll be seen as selfish and often truly believe that they are being self-centred.

I would like to challenge that thinking. When you go on a plane and the safety announcement says that in case of emergency, you should put on your oxygen mask before helping others. Why do you think they say that?

Imagine a scenario in which a mother sees her oxygen mask drop in front of her face and knows that the flight attendant has instructed her to put hers on first. Instead, she looks over at her small child and decides to reach for his first. He is vulnerable; he needs her help. She takes the time to unbuckle her belt and reach over. Her son is upset and reaching for her, squirming in his seat. She has to tussle with him before she can pull down his oxygen mask, and doing so has taken a lot of time; too much, in fact. The grim reality is that she could pass out due to lack of oxygen and become incapable of helping him put his mask on. Even if the child is still conscious, he probably isn’t able to reach the mask and doesn’t even know what to do with it. They may both die, utterly needlessly.

This depressing analogy highlights that it is imperative for you to take care of yourself before helping others, for their sake as much as yours. And that means allowing yourself to figure out what taking care of yourself means. When we take care of ourselves, we make ourselves strong enough to take care of others.



www.GYSPermission.com

Sweeping Your Side of the Street

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life", by Priya Rana Kapoor
Chapter Seven: Give YourSelf Permission to Take Back Your Life

I often ask clients if they have “swept their side of the street”. If we envision our lives as a row of houses, we can imagine how each occupant is only responsible for clearing autumn leaves or snow from the area in front of their own property. They might look disapprovingly at the mess in front of the house across the street, but its upkeep isn’t really any of their business, and it certainly isn’t their responsibility. We can always help our neighbours, but we cannot do their work for them. If the mess is in someone else’s front yard, legally we’re not even allowed to go onto their property without permission!

When issues arise in our lives, we need to ask ourselves if we’ve done whatever is most responsible in the given situation. Have we taken control over those elements that are within our circle of control? Have we done what we’re supposed to do in a way that’s consistent with what we believe to be important?

When we’re able to take responsibility for our own lives and sweep our side of the street, life becomes more manageable. As we spend less time wrestling with the mess outside other people’s houses, it becomes easier for us to be more authentic as our real selves and to be proud to invite others over for a barbecue in our yard.

Once I understood that I was making decisions for myself based on others’ circumstances and desires, I started to look around and pay attention to what I would like to do. I decided I wanted to move back to London from Los Angeles. I wouldn’t be a less responsible daughter and granddaughter if I no longer ran around trying to organise every aspect of other people’s lives. In fact, I could be a better daughter and granddaughter by being responsible for myself. I could stop blaming my family situation for the things that I perceived as being wrong with my life, and I could love and support my family members from a position of trust. I could trust them to care for themselves and ask for help when they needed it. I would always be there for them. At the same time, I had to trust in myself to make the decisions that were right for me. It was such a relief to take personal responsibility, to sweep my side of the street and to leave others to maintain their own properties.

www.GYSPermission.com

Don't Compare Your Insides with Everyone Else's Outsides

Excerpt from "Give YourSelf Permission to Live Your Life" by Priya Rana Kapoor
Chapter Ten : Give YourSelf Permission to Have Healthy Relationships.

Often, we look at the people around us and think that they have it better than we do or that they've been given more advantages in the form of privileges and luxuries than we have. We might have feelings of envy, which can be damaging, undermining, and insidious and can only function to make us feel bad about ourselves in the long run.

When my former husband and I first met, he gave me one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received; I have never forgotten it, and I am often grateful to him for his wise words.

"Priya, " he said, "don't compare your insides with everyone else's outsides. "

I think that we've all found ourselves comparing what we know about our lives to what we think is going on with the lives of others. Often we look at their outsides and assume everything is great without considering that there just might be a whole other layer of thoughts, insecurities, hopes, fears, shortcomings, health issues, pain, abuse, wishes, or desires that they don't share with everyone else. When we compare ourselves to all of their glitz, it's easy to see ourselves as coming up short. We look at celebrities or business tycoons, school friends or relatives and think that they've achieved so much more than we have.

"She has got it all, " we think. "She must be so happy!"

But what's really happening?

I suspect most people looking from the outside would have considered my family circumstances pretty much perfect, but, as I've already shared, the apparent fairy tale was quite inconsistent with the chaos we experienced behind closed doors. I rather begrudgingly felt that there were times when people thought, "Oh, the Kapoors have it all! Mum is young and glamorous; Dad is so sophisticated and handsome. Their children are lucky to be growing up in such a cosmopolitan, exciting environment!" In some respects we did have an adventurous life, but it was difficult.

Maybe your successful boss at work does sit in his fancy corner office all day long and go home at the end of a productive working day to his good-looking, happy wife and children, but perhaps he really wants to be doing something else entirely. Maybe he has high blood pressure from working long hours, constant fights with his wife, and exhausting kids who run riot all evening. Who really knows?

It's important that we see that we can only truly understand ourselves and that we need to focus on bettering our own lives rather than fixating on others'. With this understanding comes the recognition that, ultimately, we can only learn how to be really happy when we learn how to take personal responsibility for how we live and what we have control over.

The simple fact is that we just do not know what is going on in most other people's lives. The only person you will ever know completely, inside and out, is yourself.



For more information please visit www.GYSPermission.com

Audio Blog Entry on the Benefits of Tenacity!

The Beauty and Strength of Collaboration

Amazing Peace - Audio Poem

Imagination (Audio Blog #2)

What is the Difference between a LIfe Coach and a Therapist? (Audio Blog #1)

Intro to New Audio Blog

Valentine's Day and Our Permission to Love

I was never a big fan of Valentine’s Day.  I would host fabulous anti-Valentine’s Day parties with black hearts hanging upside down from the ceiling, and shame on the person who chose to wear red or pink.  I served margaritas instead of champagne. They were not dreary singles’ parties – in fact, the guest lists included couples who appreciated my anti-establishment mentality. 

Cynicism and soppiness of the fourteenth day of February aside, I’ve recently been pondering the utility of Valentine’s Day for different people.  It’s not only singles who dread Valentine’s Day – some couples feel overly pressured by it as well.  Yet certain people do not only love the holiday, they need it.  Valentine’s Day provides for some a necessary outlet to express love and gratitude in a structured manner.

Some of us are more comfortable expressing our love for those around us every day.  But for those of us who are not, Valentine’s Day provides a defined means of expression.  Some may scoff at the contrived nature of overpriced boxes of chocolates, giant bouquets of roses, fancy watches or elegant 3-course meals.  But there is comfort in routines like this, and these offerings can be equally expressive of appreciation and love as more unconventional gifts.  Though means may differ, the love is equally legitimate.

As someone who formerly was none too enamoured with Valentine’s Day, I am sympathetic to some of the issues readers may have with the holiday.  But I recently came to the realization that our feelings towards Valentine’s Day have nothing to do with the materialist aspects or with the pressures of being either single or in a partnership on this day.  Our feelings fall within the realm of our control, and we must take the personal responsibility that comes along with controlling how we feel.  We cannot change the systemic nature of Valentine’s Day, but we can control how we approach the events of the day and how we treat others. 

Love occupies numerous dimensions – it can be shown not just to partners, but also to co-workers, neighbours, friends, family and humankind.  But sharing love requires giving ourselves permission to do so.  There are difficulties in opening oneself up to others and feeling secure with such strong emotions.  The fears and vulnerabilities attached to expressions of love prevent many of us from loving fully during the year.  Valentine’s Day thus serves as a safe haven where such expressions are not only encouraged, but expected.  Valentine’s Day facilitates our displays of commitment, care, support, and appreciation.

I know I will feel more fulfilled just showing love to others on the day, regardless of my connection to them.  Humanity is so often caught up in the intricacies of personal lives that we often forget that we are in this together.  A little positive energy can enhance the experiences of so many people, and it often takes little more than a polite “how are you?” and a smile to change the course of a day.  This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to giving yourself permission to appreciate and show love for ALL those you care about.

Contributor: Denise Ge

Leadership - Who should we really be leading?

In his book "Aspire" Kevin Hall equates the meaning of a “leader” to that of a “pathfinder”.  That really resonates with me. We are all finding our path in life and sometimes some of us inspire others to come along for the journey. I believe that we are all leaders in our own lives, first and foremost. We have a responsibility to lead our own personal journey before we seek to lead others.

Similarly, if we don't find our own path then we are not taking responsibility for ourselves. If we do what other people think we should do, or what we feel they think we should do, we are allowing them to be responsible for our lives; they become our pathfinders. This so often happens when people do what they think their parents or society want them to do and they end up on a journey they didn’t want to be on. They are then ambling down someone else's path.

Some “leaders” entice people to follow them by instilling fear – in my opinion they are called tyrants. Once in a while, however, we find people who are journeying down an amazing path they have found or created.  They inspire us to walk with them, and we do so, without any feelings of doubt, resistance or friction. In fact we learn much from them. We walk with them because we are excited to see what happens and where the path is going to lead.  Often these people are looked up to as THE leader but in actuality true leaders and pathfinders need other leaders to get through the jungle.

I often visualize the journey of life as an expedition through a thick, green, lush forest, with hanging trees and roots to trip over.  It’s an amazing place full of vibrancy and beauty but, at times, needs to be navigated with care and diligence. Some people have the vision or knowledge of what is on the other side and they know what's possible; others are really good with directions and they are the ones who read the maps, hold the compass and find the best path. Some have physical strength and experience of the terrain and know how to choose the right branch to chop aside so the path can be cleared, and be passable.

So you see we all have our jobs, within our skill sets, as leaders.  In an ideal world we choose the path we want to go on and know the duties within the leadership team. 

As I see it ­– we all have a responsibility to be the pathfinder in our own lives; if we happen to inspire others to walk the journey with us then that is a privilege and a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

Make Your 2013 Vision Board - 7 Easy Steps

Simply put, a Vision Board is a poster size “collage” of images and words which depicts the vision you have for your life. It is not an arts and crafts project. I encourage many of my clients, both male and female, to use this technique to access goals, values, actions and needs they sometimes find difficult to articulate verbally or in the written word. The Vision Board is the end product of an intuitive and creative process that can be enjoyed and referred back to when you need focus or encouragement.

I’ve seen articles about what “right” way to make  vision board, but I don’t think there is a right or wrong way, it’s a very individual project and you need to find the way that works for you.

The key to a good Vision Board is be open to whatever comes up, trust your instincts, pay attention to the process of making it and have fun. I also would say think big, most of my clients limit themselves by thinking too small.

Step1:

Develop a clear idea of what you want this specific Vision Board to represent (e.g. work goals for 2013, parenting goals, giving or service goals, self-care goals, life goals, health goals etc. etc.-or everything together). My intention was to have a board that represented what I wanted for my work in 2013. I knew I wanted to get my book published in 2013, but there was nothing too clear beyond that. However by doing the board all the supporting actions became apparent.

Step 2:

Choose about 4 or 5 magazines you think are interesting and relevant to your 2013 goals. Don’t think too hard; just pick the ones which jump out at you. Also pick a board in any colour that takes your fancy.

Step 3:

Go through the magazines and just rip out the pages with images, titles and quotes that speaks to you, or evokes some positive or empowering emotion or feeling. Also, keep your focus on the intention for the board. In this case what you want for your life in 2013. Again, don’t think too hard, just keep ripping, you can always triage later. I would suggest doing this in one sitting to get momentum. You will know when you have enough material.

Step 4:

Mock up or find online anything imperative to the board you did not find in the magazines. I (tentatively) mocked up a cover of the book and added the desired publisher’s logo to the cover. I also found a 2013 header I liked and I would suggest adding a picture of yourself as it puts you in the scenario and vision.

Step 5:

Cut out everything you found from the ripped pages. Start to look at what you chose and see if there is anything that surprises you or if there are patterns emerging. By looking at some of the phrases I had chosen I started to see that it was time for me to take real, strong and meaningful action.

Step 6:

Start pasting the images onto the board. I sometimes find the larger images can anchor the corners and then smaller images can overlap the larger. Take your time with this, but I would suggest doing this in one sitting too. You will start to see themes and groupings and you can paste relevant images together. It really is up to you and what makes sense to you.

Step 7:

Admire your work, focus on your intention and understand what your actions need to be to realize your goals. Some of the images evoke a feeling or thought for you but may mean something different to others, but don’t worry... it’s your board and you can show it, or hide it, from whomever you please.

If anyone wants to share their boards with me, I would love to see them. You can email them to me at priya@prkcoaching.com.

Happy Vision Boarding and Happy Planning!

Giving Without Losing Yourself

In the spirit of the Christmas season, I have been thinking about how we give to others and how we can sometimes lose ourselves in the process. I used to want everything to be “right” at Christmas time. In an effort to make Christmas “perfect,” I used to do all the shopping not only for the presents I would give out, but for my whole family. I started by helping my grandmother buy everyone else’s presents, which I enjoyed and was more than willing to do as she was in her late 80’s, virtually blind and almost bedridden. But then, in an effort to have everyone happy with their gifts, I escalated to buying my mother’s and sister’s presents for everyone in our family, which even included buying my own gifts from them. Not only was I losing myself in all this “giving”, but I was getting resentful. I was also depriving them of the gift of giving. It came from a good place – or so I thought – but in the end, I was miserable because the pressure was too great.

I find that so many people derive happiness for themselves only when others are happy, and they will do anything to control this situation. In the above example, I wanted everybody else to be satisfied with what they received so I could be happy. I saw it as my responsibility to make everybody happy. However, in truth and with hindsight, it was not at all my responsibility what my sister gave my mother; it was hers. I was getting involved where I really should not have been.

So, we want to give to charities, others, and our families, but let’s give ourselves permission to give from the heart. Because we want to, not because we think we have to. This makes the experience far more genuine and fulfilling for the giver and receiver. If we feel ourselves giving to prove we are good people, or because we think we have to, then we need to step back and rethink our motives. Who are we really doing this giving for? If it is to quell our anxieties, because we are afraid to say no, or to try to impress others, we are not actually giving. We are taking.

So this season, give from the heart...because you want to.

Engagement, Sans Agenda

In the dictionary, there are many meanings of the words “engagement” or “to engage.” These can range from a marriage proposal, to entering into a conflict, or a contract between two parties. But the description relevant to this discussion is that of enjoying and being fully vested in communication with another.

In this busy and competitive day and age, I seem to go from one networking event to another where I find myself (and the people I meet) sussing each other out for potential work opportunities or contacts. These events are always so hurried.

Last week, I went to a little gathering with four other people affiliated with a U.S.-based service group. Though we shared the same interest in serving our communities, we had not met each other previously. We came from different backgrounds and age groups. Whilst at first I worried we may not have much to talk about, I found myself completely engaged in the conversation and stories. We were not sizing each other up for work, or trying to pigeonhole each other. Instead, we simply listened and conversed. Discussions ranged from the IRA campaign in London and the experience of living through that time; to moving from Washington State to Rome to Nairobi; to the subtleties of living in Africa. What I noticed the most was how calm, comfortable and engaged I felt. It was so nice to just be.

I was reminded of a trip I took to India a year ago. On passing through Old Delhi and I saw a group of men, who clearly lived on the streets, sitting on the side of the road and engaging in conversation. Though their situation was much more destitute we could ever imagine, the smiles on their faces reflected the pure joy they seemed to receive from each other. I remember being amazed by their happiness and engagement in that present moment.

This all has made me consider the notion that some of us forget to relish the company of others, sans agenda. Technological advances have transformed our mode of communication into rapid snippets, just to stay ahead, and sometime I feel we can be deprived of the beauty of long conversations and time spent enjoying each other’s company.

I am not saying that we should turn back the clock of time. I only hope that we consider just being with new friends, engaging in conversations, and not feeling guilty about doing so! It’s not a waste of time – I would hasten to say that it only enhances our ability to listen to and appreciate others. It gives us the space to step back, enjoy and maybe see new experiences available to us all.

I’d love to hear your takes on this idea. When was the last time you simply engaged with others, sans agenda?